Week2

Week 2
A week after chemo and I still felt nasty. I was hot all the time, dizzy, smells were too strong so bad smells were AWFUL, and I was tired randomly. Then Thursday night I went home, out of breathe and crashed onto my bed for a bit. About an hour later I got up and felt sort of normal again. I stayed up till 6am feeling normal. I woke up that day and still felt normal. Rehearsal was fun & I wasn't dizzy or hot or anything. I was skipping & jumping and doing ballet moves during rehearsal. My neck kind of hurt but why complain about that. My heart wasn't pounding too fast, my asthma was OK and food tasted right. So I cooked spaghetti that night & went to bed early and I got up & spent Saturday doing things I wanted to & going out with friends. I even got a massage & it was great, especially since it was cheap and through my doctor's office so the therapist understands the surgery & treatments I've had. He was a really cool guy too. It was nice talking to someone my age (no offense to my young friends).

I have no idea if this will become a pattern. I hope that the cracked out feeling from chemo only lasts a week, if not less. But any normal days are ones I will relish. Sunday I slept & watched movies. And I get another massage on Wed. I can get one a week. Plus I can take yoga or meditation classes. They even offer Quigong. I dread feeling bad again come Thursday, but at least I can hope that it will wear off and eventually, down the road, I will return to who I really am: ME.

Chemo1

It’s like constantly shaking
Through silences;
The stillness inside of moments
Not usually something we can see or touch,
But I’m there, watching things pass,
Waiting to catch up,
My heart beating faster than usual
And my mind counting the time till
I’m mine again

Chemo #1

Chemo Update #1
So far on chemo I am a little extra ADD. It's like being on speed. Nasty taste in my mouth too. So far no real barfing but a little bit of acid reflux & lots of burping. The anti-nausea pills caused constipation badly, which then makes me nauseated. I am taking other anti-nausea pills now to avoid that. Can't afford hemorrhoids. Taking a colon detox to help. I'm a little extra hyper & twitchy, but I slept a lot last night thanks to Tylenol PM. Not sure if it's the A/C (the chemo) drugs or the steroids that make me feel so funny. The Nuelasta shot I got yesterday is meant to increase my white blood cells but can hurt my bones, like bone aches. My low back does hurt more but that could be a combo of things. I keep eating lollipops for the nasty taste in my mouth. Hope to find some ginger candies that might help w/nausea & nasty taste. Things taste different so some things like the grapes I just bought taste awful-- sadly. Still craving OJ but avoiding eating things I like a lot that I may hate later if I even sort of barf them up. I need to get some calcium with vitamin D for my bones but CVS only had ones with gelatin. I may ask my friend to get some at Whole Foods for me. Still numb in my chest but feeling is returning.

My friend said my no-boob looks just like a boob, just no nipple. I think that's why it's creeping me out a bit more to look at. But it's OK. I'll be getting the new after surgery photos done on Tuesday & I will put them on flickr with the other ones. Was trying to write my play but it might have to wait til after I'm done with my show & maybe after the A/C treatments because I'm sort of too discombobulated to think straight. Shockingly I did my scene in my class the other night & my teacher said it went really well. I felt good about it. Tried not to get distracted, but did feel pretty nauseated (from constipation) right after we finished. Don (my teacher) said we went fast at first but caught our stride. It's a fast scene anyway. Just glad I remembered all the lines in order & all my blocking & didn't bump into any furniture or slip on anything! It was nice having an audience, and my cousin Nanette came to see it! That was the night right after chemo. Don said he's using me as an example for his future classes. If anyone tells him they are sick or have an excuse to not be in class he'll tell them: well, this woman showed up & she had cancer! Hell, I never missed a single one of his classes both semesters! And my other teacher, Patrick, cried when it was my turn to talk about what I've learned in his class & from the school in general. His sister had stage 4 ovarian cancer & lived. He's a great man. Both of them are & I am so lucky to have had them as teachers this year. All my teachers have been very supportive & understanding. I barely missed any classes whereas other people missed tons & they don't have cancer! We started rehearsal for our shows last night. Our director is nice & the cast is great. I hope some of my ADD wears off after a few days so I can be very focused when on stage. And not sick to my stomach or jittery. I gotta find things to watch online or get DVDs to keep me entertained because I don't feel like going out as I want to lay down every so often to rest. If anyone knows of good ginger candies, maybe sugar free & definitely vegan, please let me know. The sugar in the lollipops is getting gross in my mouth too. I wanna brush my teeth all the time! Well, that's my chemo update for treatment #1. I'll keep you posted as I go.

xxo
Marie :)

Photos

Some photos that go along with my cancer life are my pre-mastectomy photos and the photos of Stella my breast cancer gnome. These can be found on Flickr.com. I'll soon have post-mastectomy photos up for those who want to see them. The guest pass link is: http://flickr.com/gp/48058893@N03/44Hi1k
Some people had trouble getting into it. As I build this blog I'll figure out how to post photos on here.

Day 3

(written January 15th, 2010)

I just got my results on Tuesday that I have breast cancer. I'm 33 years old. It's in my right breast only, a lump about the size of a piece of corn plus a bunch of tiny deposits. I have no idea what kind and what stage and I'm alone in this. I have no insurance and I have to apply to Medicaid for assistance but I'm told it can take a while. I'm so scared. My family & friends are supportive but I cry when I'm alone and I have no idea what I'm doing. I hate being online researching all of this. My life just got so great & suddenly here I am! I'm looking for support groups in Brooklyn NY. I want to meet more women my age who are or have dealt with this. I keep hearing it's more aggressive in younger women, is that true? I'm at a loss. My mother died 2 years ago from Melanoma and she didn't push the doctors enough to do the right things. What's pushing enough & what's too much?
I guess I just need help. I'm told I'm a strong person but I just don't know if that's true. And I have some negative people in my family that don't get how scary this is. I feel like I'm floating on a tiny ice berg barely big enough for me to stand on & I'm so far from land I can't see it, and the water's rough and I can't keep my balance, and it's cold, so cold, and there is no one else anywhere, just ice bergs far away and cold water with no life in it. I don't want to fall in but it's slippery and scary and melting under my feet & I'm cold. Tell me that makes sense.

I Thought I (a song)

I thought I’d wake up as a different person;
That somehow I would not be me.
But I came to, confused a bit, but fully aware
That despite the fact I’d been cut up
I was still myself.

I was still myself.

Here I am now,
Healing day by day,
And nothing has changed in the least.
I’m still laughing and smiling,
Crying and thinking,
I still watch movies, read books and listen to music.
Because no matter what they did to me
I am still myself.

I am still myself.

Things around don’t appear much different than before,
And, often I forget anything has changed.
My body may look different in many, many ways,
But inside me I feel the same.
My heart still beats, my lungs still breathe,
And my face still lights up when I smile.
There’s more to fear than we can see, and all it is
Is not so real once we wake up from the dream.
The things in life that catch us by surprise
End up surprising us in ways we could never conceive.
It’s funny to think that I feared I’d wake up as someone else,
I was more surprised to find that I am still myself.

I am still myself.

Inside (a poem)

inside (a poem by m.farrell)

it's all those things on the inside
that we have no control over;
those hiding, lurking pulses;
the clock of age and time
that slowly and privately eat away at our insides
while we walk around worrying
so much about our outsides

it's the pace at which these secret demons grow
and take hold without our ever knowing
and when we discover them
suddenly the outside matters less;
it is a mere facade;
a mask to cover the fear of what is lurking
inside that we cannot control