Lonely

People ask me how I’m doing and I try to stay upbeat. But the truth is I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m scared, I’m optimistic but then I’m pessimistic, I’m tired, I’m drained, I’m confused, I’m anxious as hell, and I’m lonely. I write about all the horrible yuck I felt on chemo and how this has been a tough journey & I'm getting through it, but for all the pain, discomfort, nausea, needle sticks, IV lines, lost body parts, and everything in between, the hardest part of having cancer has been having cancer alone. I have no one by my side on a daily basis making sure I’m okay or hugging me and telling me it’ll be alright. I just have myself. It was fine at first because I had a lot of energy and I was determined to beat this. Now I’m exhausted and I feel like I just returned from a battle, my roommate is a cunt and I’m finally truly seeing how hard she’s made it for me, and it only makes me angrier that I’m alone. I had friends there sometimes but I felt like I was burdening them and I think the glamor of the “friend with cancer” wore off and everyone got too busy to care anymore. I feel like people would like to just move on and pretend I’m okay, especially since I appear to be okay. Did anyone stop to think that I’m a great actor? I’m okay sometimes, yes, but right now I’m not. I scared, sad, angry, tired and lonely as hell. The worst part of cancer for me has been the last one on that list. If anyone else wishes my cancer were gone now & I'm totally okay, imagine how I feel...

Of course I always feel a little bit better after writing how I feel, and now I feel sort of better for writing it & worse for posting it because I feel better now that's it's out. See: confused!