Saturday, September 4, 2010


Recently someone made fun of me for talking a lot. My initial reaction was a mix between “yeah, fuck you!” and crying. I just laughed it off and said “well you try being alone for four months in almost total solitary confinement feeling worse than you’ve ever felt before. You do that & you’ll be starved for conversation too.” Plus the person who said that is a friend – I think- & she was fiddling with her phone for so long I was getting really offended & uncomfortable; what do you do when someone you’re with is fiddling with their phone forever. I hate when people do that when you’re hanging out with them; it’s rude. She claimed she did it because she didn’t want me to talk anymore. So, say that! And, why hang out with me if you know I’m gonna talk? I only hang out with people for the purpose of talking. I mean, what happened to intelligent conversation anyway?

I have been racking my brain to come up with the worst thing about cancer and I’ve discovered that for me it has been the loneliness. Have I said this before? It was like prison and being sick all at once. I thought all these people were my friends but at some point it felt like they forgot me, on purpose or by accident, but either way they forgot me.

A woman in my support group complained that some lady from her kids’ school was coming by too often to see if she’s okay. I told her to send that woman to my house because I’m lonely. I got so depressed not having anyone for four months, that now that I get a person or two to hang out with here or there I desperately want to talk because A) I can’t fucking stand talking to myself for one damn minute longer, and B) Talking stops me from crying which is what I really want to do but I don’t really trust anyone here enough to burst into tears, and I don’t honestly think anyone here cares enough about my problems to want to deal with me crying. Everyone’s got their own fucking problems. I get that. I have no one close enough to really let it out to and my therapy sessions are only an hour. So I just hold it in now and eventually I’ll explode or develop cancer again.

And now I’m afraid to speak. I’m self-conscious again. I haven’t felt like this in years. Why do people do that to each other? Why be so negative and judgmental? So I talk a lot now. I don’t think I talked too much before, but everyone talks. Some days people talk a lot and some hardly at all. I HAD FUCKING CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t need to justify why I talk a lot. If you don’t get it then don’t get it but don’t hang out with me expecting that I’m just gonna sit there while you fuck around on your phone. If I wanted to be in my own little corner I’d stay home, but I try daily to reach out to people and more than half the time I get shut down. I really wonder how many of these people would be nice to me if I had never gotten cancer at all.

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