October Lows

I’ve been back in school a month. I thought it would be different. I wanted to distance myself to some extent but had no need because it seems that everyone has distanced themselves from me. Already there is silly drama and unfounded rumors. I’m happier directing my show and more excited to be designing costumes than I am for most of the classes. I feel like some classes are very good and some are okay, but could be more challenging or more interesting. I feel lost, but I am trying to forge ahead. I feel almost more alone amongst these people at school than I did when I was confined in my Brooklyn apartment wanting to die. So, that said, I sort of still want to die. I feel as if everyone resents me for living; maybe it would have been easier on them all if I’d just died from cancer so they could fain grief and then forget I ever existed. It’s the teachers I feel more connected to; maybe because I’m closer in age to them, or closer in maturity. For so long I was impressed with the 20 year olds who were so kind to me and so mature, but it seems the summer stole their maturity and their kindness. Maybe that three month break was too much. I needed it, but do feel it was a loss and wish that I could have kept studying acting during that time. I am angry at myself for not reading more and feel that now is my chance to create a change in my life. I am trying to discover how to do that. I need to break focus on certain distractions and really dig into what I love in life. I said I would do this when school was about to start, but the surgery and finality of it, my new blonde hair, and the resurgence of drama at school have all weighed on me and become cause for more depression. I know I am not exactly who I used to be. Some days I am very upbeat and energetic; enthusiastic and focused, and other days I am melancholy and disappointed. I don’t know if I want to be with actors more or cancer survivors… I feel I have no real place. With actors I feel I can discuss theatre and the art of realism and I feel comfortable because I know it, but most of the kids at school don’t care to talk about it. They seem more inclined to talk about themselves. I guess I can understand that since I was young once too, but even some of the older actors seem too focused on themselves and not on the work or the craft. None of them really understand what I’ve gone through and I think it hurts more knowing they no longer know who I am yet think they do; no one else really sees how I’ve changed. But when I talk with other cancer survivors sometimes it gets depressing as well; they talk about the people who’ve died and the metastases they’ve had, and they discuss the hard times that I would like to forget about. I don’t know why my life has been harder than other people’s lives, or why I’ve had so much suffering and pain. There’s no clear answer to that. I just want to be happy and to be working at what I love. There’s no other reason for me to live than acting. I can’t afford to doubt my talent, but I was severely beaten down this summer by chemo, and I’m having trouble really getting myself back up to where I was before. Maybe if these kids saw what I’d gone through or maybe if they cared more… I don’t know. I can’t expect anything more from people than what they are capable of giving. It’s up to me to ensure my future by working hard and not getting distracted by my thoughts. My mom said, six months before she died, that all she wanted was five more good years. I was mad she’d said it at the time because I knew she could have had more than five, and she should have been thinking twenty. Now I understand what she was saying. Five years isn’t that long, but if it’s good maybe it’s worth it. And there is no cure for cancer—well none so readily available and proven—but to have five more really good years would be nice. I’d prefer twenty or even fifty, but I’ll take five. It’s all they have for survival rates at this point and if I make them great maybe it’s worth it. Getting cancer was no choice of mine, but what I’m learning from having it is my choice. It hurts to be alone, but if this is what I’m getting, if things like loneliness are not going to change for me, then I’ll accept that and I’ll find my way around it. I feel like shit so often, I dream daily of truly feeling good and being a good person. I’m not sure what direction that will take me in my life—however long it will be—, but that is my aim…