Monday, October 4, 2010

Some Things

Some things are so small, like paper cuts, but we get so worked up over them and stress ourselves out. Something I’ve been learning lately is that things in life change continually. Who I see daily now may be so drastically different in five years; my life may be so drastically different in five years. We can plan and plan for things but planning can only go so far when random chance is involved. I try now to consider the weight or the gravity of something and react accordingly. A paper cut might result in an “Oh fuck!” but then I put a band aid on it and move on. I don’t necessarily need to announce to the world I have a paper cut, and none of my Facebook friends will send me condolences for it. On the other hand, there are things like deaths and cancer that can cause deeper reactions. When my mom died I went to look at her body and I just stared. It was shock on top of shock. I was so surprised she looked the same as she had the day before; she just wasn’t making that awful breathing noise anymore. She was peaceful. I don’t know what I had expected, like, that she would instantly turn into a skeleton when she died or that she’d be stiff… I don’t know: I was surprised, but somewhat pleasantly, despite the circumstance. After that I lay on her bed and cried. When I heard Louis died I cried immediately. I think that one came as more of surprise because I thought he had longer and I thought he’d wait for me to be there, whereas I knew my mom was going when she did. I think some part of me died when I lost him; I was just recovering and coming to grips with losing my mom and then I lost Lou and it was as if I had been hit with a two by four just as I was getting up from being hit by a baseball bat a few hundred times.

So, I recovered, I have been coping and I have been making my life better. I tried; I accepted these changes that came. I reacted accordingly. I lost my mom and my cat and I was devastated but I got through it. I lost my boyfriend and then my best friend as well, but not to death, so the reaction was much smaller, but greater than that of a paper cut. Then I got cancer and I fell to my knees and screamed a lot. Dealing with this has been harder than dealing with my mom or Lou’s deaths because this is me being sick and I have to fight; I have to feel it daily. And I have fought- hard. I feel justified in all I do and I feel like I’m more loved and more confident in ways I hadn’t known existed. I was already pretty confident, but this is a little different. It’s funny: someone told me about six months ago that having cancer would make me a better person and a better actor. At the time I knew he was right but I wasn’t seeing it or feeling it until right at this moment. It’s also made me a happier person. And a better director! We can’t really control things that happen in life, especially the big ones, but we can control how we react to those things. Like a parent wishing for their kids to stay young and innocent; they have no control over a child growing up. The best thing to do is to enjoy every moment; soak into it and absorb all you can from it. Life is difficult and complicated and it can hurt a lot, so no matter what life gives me I will bask in the moment and laugh at the paper cuts.

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