I don’t know exactly why but I am really emotional right now. I keep sobbing. I feel really alone and have no one to talk to about the things I am feeling and thinking. Plus I hurt all over. I want to call my mom more than anything in the world. I keep remembering all our talks and how much fun we’d have just goofing around. Even when we’d fight it usually ended with some sarcastic comment or whatever. Even when she’d annoy me. I feel like her sister, my aunt, should be calling me or somehow be more involved in what I’m going through; I think my mom would be really pissed and disappointed knowing that no one is taking care of her youngest child when she needs people the most.
I do need people. I go a little nuts being at home all day watching Quantum Leap episodes and building a doll house. Sometimes I feel too rotten to even do those things and I end up lying around day dreaming about a future I wish I had. My future successful career or wonderful man who falls in love with me. Sometimes it goes back to that person I fell for that I should not have and I can’t seem to get off my mind. I need entertainment or distractions. I need to snuggle with someone who can take this fear and anger away; who can make me feel, just for a few moments, like I’m not alone; like I’m loved.
I go crazy here in my apartment listening to my neighbours yell at their screaming kids and the fucking ice cream truck going by at all hours. I start to feel okay again and then I get another hot flash and need to sit down. I get aches in my chest and aches in my back, my feet hurt and I get dizzy from the stupid pain killers. It’s harder and harder each day to remember why I’m doing this. Life was so wonderful so I knew fighting was worth it but right now life is sucking so I keep forgetting what I’m fighting for. And I love that I have cheerleaders rooting for me but mostly that’s through text messages and facebook notes; I miss real human contact. I miss being an actor and being with other actors.
I know it’s only until the end of July and I’m done, but when you are as bored and as uncomfortable as I am on a daily basis time starts moving so much slower that you can count the seconds until your head explodes. I ask people to go out or to come by and to join me at chemo, but I think I might be burdening them or maybe they are just over my whole fighting cancer thing. I certainly am. I’m scared to death that I won’t make it; that I’ll have a heart attack and no one will find my body; that I’ll give up before I’m through and I’ll be a quitter or the cancer will return because I only did half the Taxol instead of the whole treatment. I’m scared that everyone expects me to be sp strong that if I show them that I’m weak they’ll be disappointed in me. I’m scared I’ll die from some infection or I’ll die in surgery or the cancer will come back as soon as I’m happy again and I’ll die from it.
I want to laugh more but I’m by myself so much all I have to laugh at is the crazy shit I think about or the stuff I watch on TV. I want to dance but my body hurts and I can hardly walk. I miss my life. I miss being normal; being healthy anyway. I miss me. I want—no, I need a hug that lasts longer than 2 seconds. I need a real hug that doesn’t have to end. I know that no one fully gets what I’m feeling unless they’ve been through this, but I think anyone who has been lonely can relate to that part at least. I don’t need people to get this so much as I just need people. I feel like I’m desperate to talk to anyone. I actually called my dad last night and talked to him on the phone for twenty minutes. Neither of us likes talking on the phone but I knew that with him I had no risk of bursting into tears.
I’m trying to find things to plan so I can regain some control over my life again. I planned the surgery and I’m planning my visit to California for the holidays. I can plan my move in September and if I had more money I’d plan some sort of trip or excursion for August. I can’t plan very much since I never know how I’m going to feel. I’m so bored. I can’t even think straight or sit still long enough to write very much anymore. I’m hungry but I’m too tired or sore to cook and not interested in food really. I want to talk to my family but they never call me and if they did I’m not sure what we’d talk about; I imagine we’d talk around the whole cancer thing and our dead mother as we usually do. I hate that. I’d rather just talk about her and talk about cancer. The only one in my family really willing to have a conversation about it was my six year old niece and I really enjoyed the straightforwardness and understanding she has. I hope she keeps that and never adopts the whole “ignore the pink elephant in the room” game that is so popular with the Desy family. I miss my siblings and their kids but when we talk I guess what I really want to talk about never gets said and I end up not feeling any better than before.
I miss my friends too. I hear from some here and there. Some ignore my texts or calls. I can’t figure that out. The one person on earth I thought I could cry with seems to be avoiding me.
Writing this has become exhausting and I’ve bored myself.