Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The Dread of Sleep

I have about 30 different topics I feel like writing about right now, but I’m going with the dread of sleep. Seeing as it is now 2:35am and I am still up despite my total exhaustion. The fact is that that I get super tired a lot but I never feel like I’ve fully slept. I go to bed late and sleep all day, but I wake up every few hours to pee or to eat or both, and then I crash again. I don’t dream much the week after chemo. I started dreaming again maybe 7 days after, but I’m not there yet this week and for now I just suffer from acid reflux like I never knew existed, and I wake up a lot feeling kind of icky or uncomfortable. My healing lip is still sore and the tissue expander feels odd if I lay on it too long. I know it’s not much, and I tell myself daily that it could be worse--- I mean, no matter what our lives give us it can always be worse, so why complain? But it’s something I look forward to: sleep. Real sleep. The kind where no matter who shows up at your door you don’t care… Ed Mcmahon with the big check or the man of my dreams with a diamond ring--- fuck them, I’m sleeping! I am waiting for this sleep to come and I will welcome it when it does. For now, I keep myself up way too late and have to rely on Tylenol PM to get more than 2 or 3 hours straight. But at least I’m eating, I’m healing, I’m laughing & I’m looking ahead to that day (or whole week) I get to sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep…
But for now I guess I just dread going to sleep because I know that no matter how much I get it's never satisfying enough to matter. But, hey, there's next week & school will be out so I'm sure I'll be bored enough to sleep more & maybe enjoy it a while! :)

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