I’m thinking about love. It’s funny how we can see a photo of a person and it’s just a photo of someone. Maybe they mean something to us, like ‘hey, there’s my brother, or there’s my friend Chuck,’ but maybe it’s just the guy in class or at work that’s just that guy and he’s cool but nothing special. Then there’s that person who, when we see his/her photo our heart literally skips a beat or melts, or both all at once & we see in his/her eyes that he/she feels the same way no matter that it can never be said out loud. It’s like the two of you develop a special telepathy that can never be shared or understood by anyone else, but it’s the best we can get because of certain circumstances that hinder the feeling being anymore than what it is.
It’s so nice---as far as I can recall--- when it’s mutual and can be explored and investigated & built on. But when it can’t… when it’s not allowed to be it has to mutate or it will malfunction. The forbidden love. And it can mutate into a great friendship or professional working relationship. If you’re 23 it likely won’t, but as we get older we discover that there are a million varieties of love, and that just because someone’s photo makes our heart melt & we get so excited to see that person, it doesn’t mean we’ll die without him/her being our lover, and it doesn’t mean we can’t have a meaningful relationship as friends or colleagues.
These are things I am learning as I get older. There will always be people in my life who make my heart melt when I see them either in person or in a photo; and I will want to only focus on that person & tune everyone else out completely. And maybe in 10 years, after losing touch with him/her, I’ll pass across the photo and my heart won’t react… or I’ll merely smile and have fond memories… or, perhaps, my heart will jump for joy and I’ll think ‘fuck, whatever happened to _____. If only we had…’ That’s me though. I don’t get addicted to drugs or liquor or gambling or food. I get addicted to people. I meet certain people and I can’t get enough of them. I want to pick them apart & gain everything I can from whatever it is about them that draws me in. Be it sex appeal, wisdom, knowledge on a certain topic, or charisma… or all of those things.
Right now, although, yes it is one person who makes my heart jump for joy the most, I am discovering that there are more and more tiny things about nearly everyone I know that trigger this experience in me. When I hear my nephew’s 2 year old voice in my head, or see my niece’s photo, or get a text from my older nephew or think of silly stuff my other niece does; when I recall jokes school friends tell, or crazy shit my teachers say; and when I see old friends or get things from friends and family & I think back to the stuff we did… all these things add up to my heart jumping for joy. Almost as much as it does when I see that one person. Every love is different. Unique. Which is better? The one you never act on or the one you get for life? Who’s to say? I mean, the one you never act on will always remain in the ‘what if’ station, but the one you get for life… well, I don’t know yet. I’ve never had that.
But I do like the feeling my heart makes when it melts a little for someone.
*(and did not even remember it's v-day this weekend until after I wrote this)