Saturday, April 10, 2010


It's interesting how getting cancer has caused me to slack off on focusing on acting. I feel so distracted & so scatter brained. I feel so much like time is getting away from me. It's also fascinating how people who claim to be very religious and compassionate turn out to be the first ones who want to shun you and your cancer. What I'm learning from this experience is how strong I can be in the face of surgery and the upcoming chemo, but I do realize my limitations. I am so appreciative of the people in my life who have sent gifts and helped me out, and for my brother who flew from San Diego to help me after surgery. But what has shocked me beyond explanation is the way in which a few specific people have decided that my cancer is too much for them and that I should get out of their way. Especially since one of these people is Catholic. I was taught that Catholicism was about caring and giving and understanding, not controlling every situation & behaving like a spoiled brat. I mean there are certainly many things about Catholicism and all organized religions that I do not like, but I still respect that religious people are usually the first to offer assistance and generosity in times of need. I mean if my mom were alive she'd be here with me now for sure. I also thought Catholics abstained from sex before marriage but I guess that's changed too.

I was on the subway the other day & I sat down in the disabled seating. I had my arm brace on and it limits me using my right arm so much more, which is good since I was told to hardly use that arm it all while the drain is in. This woman next to me kept huffing & puffing at me but not saying anything. She was obviously annoyed that I was digging through my purse with one arm and that my purse was on the seat between her and I. After a while of struggling to get my water bottle out this woman finally says: "are you done yet?" I looked right at her and said: "if you have a problem don't sit in the disabled seating." She started yelling about my having my bag on the seat and I said "look I have one working arm here and this seating is for people with disabilities. If you don't like that go sit somewhere else." I offered to contact the metro police to have her escorted off the train. She said she'd have them give me a ticket for having my bag on the seat. I was like, where else can I put it? I can't lean forward without pain, I had a giant book and a plastic bag on my lap & stacking more will hit my chest which is still healing. I pointed out that she should read the sign and her witty come back was: "you read the sign!" So I did, out loud to her: "This is priority seating for persons with disabilities." The bitch finally got off the train a few stops later. Maybe if she'd sat up straight instead of leaning her fat ass in my direction my purse would not have been in her way. Hell, it wasn't even in her way she was just an imbecile. And for the record being an imbecile is NOT a disability!

It's simply baffling me that anyone can justify discrimination and be so utterly selfish when I'm going through this. I mean I have been tolerant of many things and I tend to try to let things go no matter how annoying they can be, but trying to make your life and all the tiny things in it add up to as much as cancer is an act of insanity. I'm not saying I'm better but come on, I had surgery two weeks ago & I deserve a little (if not a lot) of consideration! I'm doing tons of things I should not be doing but I have to because no one's helping me out. And reasoning with such a person is not even worth it anymore. It's like arguing with a wall. Until the intolerant people in my life are mature and unselfish enough to truly SEE what I am dealing with and respect that it is not about them and that I did not get cancer to piss them off or fuck up their lives, there is no way for me to get through to them. Dealing with them and with situations like these is only causing me more stress and it is not fair. If I believed in any form of a god I would say he's shaming them right now (tisk, tisk) or that they are going to go straight to hell for being so maliciously hateful. But I don't believe in that. I just think karma will have to deal with it from now on. I refuse to sink to the level of control freaks and selfish people. I am learning so much that I cannot control most of my life and what I need to do is just live it. I cannot control the people around me either so I might as well just ride the wave. It's not so easy trying to ride a wave when someone keeps poking at you with a stick though because they feel they need to control your life since it seems to be getting in the way of their happy-bubble life. Is it wrong for me to want to wish cancer on these assholes?

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